To Be, and Only to Be.
I struggle quietly with depression. Apparently, many people do… The day I stopped someone from killing themselves is the day I stopped moping. He was a successful man, with children… he was much older than me. My family and I were up north that weekend to “relax.” He had a cottage close by and was there alone. In the morning, he came by our place unannounced. Our families are just that close. He seemed down, a little off, but he was so cool it was mistaken for being eccentric. He would leave without saying goodbye… and we enjoyed the day.
A few hours later, we got a call from one of his children saying, “he is going to kill himself.” My uncle summoned me to go with him, ‘just in case anything gets out of hand.’ They always do. The drive over to his cottage, on its own, was scarring. We didn’t know if he had a gun or if he was already dead. When we got there, his property was dead silent. His dog greeted us in the front and led us to the back. He was standing behind glass doors attached to a high back porch. The doors opened for a second, and he told my uncle that he did not want to talk. He said so with anger, before locking the door on us… He had locked himself inside his cottage.
Immediately, my eyes wander to two large gas tanks used for a stove and heating. The paramedic arrived first… he was useless. When the police showed up, I was relieved… They too were useless. My uncle talked them into leaving with his silver tongue. The family friend’s son showed up all the way from the city. His eyes were red, and you could hear his heart beating from a distance. We got into two groups: me and my uncle, and the family friend and his son. Going to the hospital in separate cars… his son texted us that the family friend took ten percocets on the drive over. How selfish can a person be? He had actually tried to kill himself and it was thirty minutes to the nearest hospital. When we got there, he was alive… puking and slurring words. We had to wait three hours to be seen as there were people in worse condition than him.
It was an experience, to say the least. One that really got me thinking about my own struggles. I thought about how selfish suicide really is. Not just if you have people who care about you. After that experience, I completely took suicide off the table. Even if you have nobody, suicide is like a horrific art piece that inspires more to wander through its dread. It is a plague to humanity, like a dark meme; like a mind virus that consumes its host. Leaving everyone wondering, “to be or not to be?
